The Conyotic Certification Notes…
1. Speak tag-lish (Tagalog – English) language as often as possible.
2. Always wear signature clothes like Ralph Lauren, Hollister or any brand you can find at “U” (located in Rustan’s)
3. Learn to smoke cigarettes and don’t neglect the proper art of holding it with your right hand and using your mobile phone with your left.
4. Be mindful of the latest hi-tech gadgets and make sure you upgrade yours every 6 months. (T3 Magazine is a good choice of reference)
5. Hit the gym at least 4 times a week in order to physically fit to clothes that are tight. (Always tell people that you workout at Gold’s Gym or Slimmers World)
6. Buy the “live strong” Baller ID and when people ask why you wear it, answer in this method “I support the fight against cancer” then smoke a cigarette.
7. Don’t be afraid to wear pink. Manliness isn’t gauged by the colors that you wear. Orange, Pink, Gentle Sea Blue are all fashion statements.
8. Buy healthy products like San Mig Light, Winston Lights, Coke Light, Red Bull Light, etc.
9. Always watch fashion programs to be trendy.
10. Use english curse words but when you feel like saying t@&*ina, say it in this manner…TAINA! (remember to make the chinese eyes style and turn your head to the left whenever using this curse word)
11. Everytime your friends ask you to play physical sports, always tell them that your sport is golf, tennis and the likes. (it doesn’t have to be true, it’s for conyo press release purposes only)
12. Automobile is a necessity in the conyo world. Dress up your car and leave the receipts at the passenger side for people to see.
13. Refer to your mobile phone as cell, gadgy, mobes or My Ringy!
14. Use the words dude, chong, chief, chiefy and bro when referring to your friends. (You may use it to complete strangers also)
15. DO NOT GO TO HIPHOP NIGHTS AT ANY BAR AND AT ANY TIME!!!!!
16. Get event/party flyers from friends and post it on your cubicle at the office or your locker in school. (it will connote your presence in the party even if you are physically absent in the venue)
17. Don’t always go out with your friends on weekends. This will give you the chance to use yachting, scuba diving and out of the country excuses whenever they ask where you were at.
18. When someone asks you where you live, always tell them that you move from condominium to condominium depending on your clubbing schedule.
19. When in a fancy restaurant with friends, do not finish your food. Place your utensils on the table, lean forward and drop your tears gently. When they ask why, tell them you miss your grandmother’s cooking in Europe! (This is a very difficult trick! Crying on command is hard but very fulfilling)
20. When people ask what your job is, the only correct answer is “I’m an affluent entrepreneur”.
21. Spend time with your Call Center friends. This is an opportunity to be updated with the latest conyo terms.
22. When leaving a club, always pretend that you’re using your mobes (your mobile phone) and shout out “DRIVER!! PICK ME UP NA!”
23. Utilize Starbucks, Seattle's Best and other coffee places. Make sure that your friends see you there at least once a week.
24. When people are talking to you, always start your response with “Yeah! I Knoooooow!”.
25. Conyotic Press Release Note: "Guys, Sorry but i don't know how to commute eh." (This one is a classic!)
26. Always pretend that you don't know remote locations. example: tondo (remember to pronounce them in an unorthodox manner. for example word: TONDO pronunciation: TUWN-DO)
27. Place novels on your office table or your room. Leave your latest, most expensive book still in the plastic cover at the back of your car so you can always tell people that you just bought it and haven't had enough time to read because of work.
28. Proper Conyo Driving Posture: Seats Declined, your buttox placed all the way back, lean forward, extend your left arm outside with a cigarette of course, place your right hand on the steering wheel with the forearm and biceps at 90 degrees and volume of car audio is at maximum. (this is a certified attention grabber)
29. Conyo Press Release Note: "I have asthma and allergies eh". (this will raise your "maselan" factor hence making you a rich person)
30. Buy an iPod or an iPod mini. Buy both if possible. When you don't have a budget, just buy the white earplugs instead and always wear them.
31. When friends invite you for a night out and you don't have the cash. the proper answer is "I'm not sure guys ah. My dad and i might go to Aman Pulo this weekend eh. I'll text your mga gadgy nalang if i will be able to make habol."
32. For men: try to lower your tone of voice for masculinity factor! For women: Be "KIKAY" as often possible.
33. Do not be on time!
34. When people ask you to treat them outside, counter their plead by inviting them to a place where you know it is impossible for them to attend. (Example: "Dude! Treat mo naman us sa Starbucks" Conyo Counter Answer: "Ganito nalang guys, Me and my family are going to Boracay this wednesday. I will make you guys libre nalang there. Ay! may work nga pala kayo. next time nalang dude".
35. When people ask you out. Don't confirm right away. tell them you have to check your schedule first and confirm your attendance a couple of hours before the event.
Here are some few tips to be a certified conyo. Remember that the key is always tell people how rich your are eventhough you are not. There are many ways to introduce your wealth to them. Use traveling, houses, work, sports as a medium. Mind you…this isn’t easy. So practice, practice, practice my dear friends.
posted by master CHU at 6:22 PM
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